Jesus, but Not Codependent

Christian Codependency: Does God Want You To Be Codependent? Karla Downing By Karla Downing Are you looking for help for your Christian codependency? If so, do you wonder if God wants you to be codependent? Christian codependents tend to overly give, ignore their own needs, tolerate mistreatment, and lose themselves while believing God is pleased with them. Many of the beliefs people commonly hold about what the Bible teaches about relationships appear to support the view that God wants us to be codependent. These four Scriptural teachings are often taken out of context and applied in ways that are unhealthy and unbalanced: God wants you to give sacrificially. Giving is a recurrent theme in the New Testament. Sacrificial giving can be healthy, but it can also be unhealthy. Codependents give out of compulsion and often become resentful toward the person. Healthy giving is motivated by choice and right reasons. God would rather have you not give when you don't want to. Jesus said we should communicate a clear message: When we mean yes, we do it; but when we really mean no, we don't do it. God wants you to put others before you. Jesus told us to love our neighbors as ourselves and to consider their needs as important as our own. There is a time to put others first, but there is also a time to put ourselves first. If you were in line in the grocery store to buy food for dinner for your family and you allowed one person after another to go before you to pay, you wouldn't make it home to fix dinner for your family or yourself. Jesus took time to take care of himself so he would be rested and able to minister effectively. God wants you to forgive over and over. Jesus taught that you need to forgive repeatedly without end. The misapplication comes from believing that you have to continue to tolerate all types of mistreatment by turning the other cheek and giving the other person another opportunity to hurt you. Jesus did teach you have to repeatedly forgive- as opposed to storing up bitterness and seeking revenge-but you are not required to allow the person to hurt you again and again. You can set boundaries to protect yourself while forgiving. God wants you to lose your life by dying to yourself. One of the conditions of being a disciple is to follow Jesus and put him first. You are to lose your life for Christ-not for other people. You are to die to your sin nature-not to the unique self that God created you to have and be. You will give an account of how you lived your life and used your talents. If you lose your life in others, you will not be a good steward. Does God want you to be codependent? No. He wants you to overcome your Christian codependency by correctly applying Scriptural truths to your life. Karla Downing is an author, speaker, licensed marriage and family therapist, and Bible study teacher. Karla's passion is to help people find freedom in Christ in the midst of their difficult relationships and circumstances through Biblical truths and practical tools. Christians and Boundaries: Six Questions to Guide You in Setting Biblical Relationship Boundaries Karla Downing By Karla Downing If you are struggling with being a Christian and having boundaries, then these questions will guide you in setting biblical relationship boundaries. One of the reasons boundaries are hard to figure out is because they are different for each person and circumstance. Difficult relationships have complicated dynamics. These questions offer you principles to help you figure out the boundaries that are right for you in each of your relationships. Does what you want to do encourage the person to stop doing something that is wrong? You cannot force anyone to do what is right, but you can influence them positively or negatively. While your boundaries are not meant to manipulate, they do set a standard for what you believe is right or wrong and moral or immoral. God wants us to be light in the darkness (Ephesians 5:11). Where does your responsibility start and end? One of the purposes of boundaries is for you to be responsible for your stuff. When you state what you are willing to do and not do, you are taking responsibility for your part in the relationship and letting go of what isn't yours. By clearly identifying what you should do, you will know the limits you need to set on what you are not willing to do. This is part of your stewardship with what God has given you (Matthew 25:14-30). Where does the other person's responsibility start and end? The other person needs to be responsible for his/her stuff. When you limit what you are willing to do, then the other person has to take care of it. This has to do with accountability. If this person doesn't do what should be done, then it is his/her failure, not yours (Romans 14:12). What boundaries do you need for emotional, spiritual or physical protection? You are allowed to take care of yourself and protect yourself. You do not have to allow people to hurt or abuse you. Jesus modeled taking care of himself and protecting himself from people who wanted to use, abuse, and manipulate him. He only willingly went to the cross when it was the appointed time and for a divine purpose (Matthew 26:52-56). Are you ready to follow through with the stated consequences? Boundaries in relationships are simply what you will and won't do about what someone else does or doesn't do. It is for this reason that boundaries that are violated often have consequences. If you anticipate that the person won't respect your limits, then you might have to follow through with whatever you need to do in response. If you aren't ready yet to follow through, then just state what is bothering you without the consequence so you won't be making threats you don't carry out (Ecclesiastes 5:5). How important is this issue? There are times that we have to weigh how important something really is. It isn't good to make a big deal over every small issue. When you weigh the importance of things, you can determine what really matters in the long run. You can make adjustments for things that aren't matters of right and wrong and that won't result in you feeling bad about yourself (Proverbs 12:16). If you are a Christian struggling with setting boundaries, these six questions will guide you in setting biblical relationship boundaries. Dysfunctional Family Christmas: The Serenity Prayer For The Holidays Karla Downing By Karla Downing This Christian marriage help will enable you to take back your power to change your life whether your husband or wife changes or not. The problems in your marriage are real and the changes you want your spouse to make are most likely reasonable. The dilemma that you have is that you can't make him or her change and as long as you are waiting for change and pushing for change, you are stuck in the same patterns. We try to change our spouses by praying, wishing, nagging, lecturing, explaining, begging, threatening, controlling, and manipulating. Consider these questions: How much time and energy do you spend trying to change your spouse? What else could you do with your time? Powerless means "without power." Can you stand at the seashore and command the waves to stop? Can you ask the sun not to rise? Can you make your husband or wife change? No! So if you can't do it, why waste your life trying? The only sure way to make your life better is to focus on changing yourself. And I don't mean changing yourself to please your spouse, hoping he/she will change as a result. I mean taking back your power to do what you want with your own life in spite of the circumstances. The following Scriptural principles reinforce the fact that you are responsible for your own choices and that you are not responsible for your spouse's choices: • God's Word tells us clearly that each of us is responsible for ourselves and we will each stand before the judgment seat of Christ to give an account of our own lives-not our spouses' lives (2 Corinthians 5:10). Christian Marriage Help: Change Yourself, Not Your Spouse Karla Downing By Karla Downing This Christian marriage help will enable you to take back your power to change your life whether your husband or wife changes or not. The problems in your marriage are real and the changes you want your spouse to make are most likely reasonable. The dilemma that you have is that you can't make him or her change and as long as you are waiting for change and pushing for change, you are stuck in the same patterns. We try to change our spouses by praying, wishing, nagging, lecturing, explaining, begging, threatening, controlling, and manipulating. Consider these questions: How much time and energy do you spend trying to change your spouse? What else could you do with your time? Powerless means "without power." Can you stand at the seashore and command the waves to stop? Can you ask the sun not to rise? Can you make your husband or wife change? No! So if you can't do it, why waste your life trying? The only sure way to make your life better is to focus on changing yourself. And I don't mean changing yourself to please your spouse, hoping he/she will change as a result. I mean taking back your power to do what you want with your own life in spite of the circumstances. The following Scriptural principles reinforce the fact that you are responsible for your own choices and that you are not responsible for your spouse's choices: • God's Word tells us clearly that each of us is responsible for ourselves and we will each stand before the judgment seat of Christ to give an account of our own lives-not our spouses' lives (2 Corinthians 5:10). • We are to take the plank out of our own eyes before commenting on the splinter in the other person's eye (Matthew 7:3-5). (This applies even if your spouse has the plank and you have the splinter.) • Galatians 6:4-5 says, "Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else." We have to do what is right, even when our spouses aren't. Since you will give an account of your life, it makes sense to focus on changing yourself and not on your spouse. What are some of the things you can change? You can change your reactions, your choices, your boundaries, and your self-care. You can decide how you want to use your talents and gifts and your time. You can't control his/her reactions, choices, boundaries or self-care. You can't make your spouse live in a way that uses his/her talents, gifts, and time the way God wants your spouse to. Let go of the efforts to make your spouse be who you want him or her to be and change yourself instead. • We are to take the plank out of our own eyes before commenting on the splinter in the other person's eye (Matthew 7:3-5). (This applies even if your spouse has the plank and you have the splinter.) • Galatians 6:4-5 says, "Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else." We have to do what is right, even when our spouses aren't. Since you will give an account of your life, it makes sense to focus on changing yourself and not on your spouse. What are some of the things you can change? You can change your reactions, your choices, your boundaries, and your self-care. You can decide how you want to use your talents and gifts and your time. You can't control his/her reactions, choices, boundaries or self-care. You can't make your spouse live in a way that uses his/her talents, gifts, and time the way God wants your spouse to. Let go of the efforts to make your spouse be who you want him or her to be and change yourself instead. Christian Marriage Help: Let Go Of The Obsession Over Your Husband's Behavior Karla Downing By Karla Downing See all Articles by Karla DowningSee Karla Downing's Expert PageGet Updates on MarriageGet Updates on Karla Downing 2 Your rating: None Average: 2 (1 vote) Are you looking for Christian marriage help that will enable you to let go of the obsession over your husband's behavior? Whatever takes up your mental and emotional energy and robs you of the ability to live your life is your obsession. When you have marriage problems that your husband will not address and you are living in pain and desperation, it is natural to focus on the problems and to want them to change and in order to do that you have to think about them. But when thinking about the problems is robbing you of your joy and the ability to enjoy your own life, then you need to make a change. Philippians 4:8-9 tells us to choose what we think about and 2 Corinthians 10:5 tell us we can take our thoughts captive. Try the following things to control your thoughts: • Don't do things that increase your obsession with what your husband is doing. Don't check up on him, watch him, listen to his conversations, stay home to watch him, check his wallet, follow him, call him over and over, or read his e-mails (unless you need to do this to find out what is going on in order to make decisions or to confirm your suspicions). • Keep your head where your feet are. Concentrate on what you are doing in that moment and don't let your thoughts wander. If you are washing dishes, think about each action and say it out loud if you have to. Say, "I am picking up a dish and now I am washing a dish." Do whatever it takes to train yourself not to think about HIM. • Yell "stop" out loud or to yourself every time you find your mind wandering onto him again. This is one of the things therapists tell obsessive compulsive patients to do. • Find a phrase that reminds you that you are powerless over him and say it over and over. I say the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." An abbreviated version might be "Can't change him." "Mind your own business" was another phrase I said to myself. • Turn on the radio or listen to music. Force yourself to focus. • Say Bible verses aloud that remind you to release him to God. • Pray and release your concerns to God. Say something simple that reminds you that it is God's battle: "He's yours God." "God's in control." "I surrender him to you." Letting go of the obsession over your husband's behavior is a battle but it is one worth fighting to regain control over your own life. When you are obsessing over him, you aren't living and enjoying your own life. Overcoming Christian Codependency - Four Truths To Determine When To Put Yourself Before Others Karla Downing By Karla Downing See all Articles by Karla DowningSee Karla Downing's Expert PageGet Updates on Relationship AdviceGet Updates on Karla Downing 0 Your rating: None When overcoming Christian codependency, how do you know when you should put your needs or the other person's needs first? By applying these four truths: 1.You have to stay emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally healthy. Ephesians 5:29 "After all, no one ever hates his own body, but he feeds and cares for it" (NIV). None of us can ignore our needs indefinitely and still have the resources to reach out to others. Just as our bodies require food and rest, our emotional, spiritual, and mental needs need to be attended to. Jesus took time to rest and recuperate when He was on earth. 2.You have to take care of your family's needs first. First Timothy 5:8 "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family,he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (NIV). When evaluating our priorities, we need to prioritize the needs of our immediate family first. This doesn't mean we will never put others before our family, but it can't be at the expense of our families. 3.You have to pay attention to why you are putting the other person first. Second Corinthians 9:7 "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver" (NIV). We frequently put the other person before ourselves out of people pleasing, guilt, and obligation, and as a result, we end up resentful. The best reason to put others before ourselves is because we choose to. 4.You have to compare the importance of both needs. Matthew 22:39 "Love your neighbor as yourself" (NIV). There will always be conflicting needs, both of which need to be considered. There are obvious times when we have to sacrificially give due to the extreme need of the other person, but there are also times that it is essential to place a higher importance on our own needs. Relationship Prayer: God, help me to consider my needs and the other person's needs and make the right choice for the right reason. Relationship Challenge: Use these principles to help you make wise decisions about how to take care of yourself and still make room for the needs of others, but not neglect yourself or your family. To overcome Christian codependency, apply these four truths to determine when you should put your needs or the other person's needs first. You don't have to neglect yourself to care about others.